8 Reasons Raw Foodies Are Dangerous Extremists (Satire)
This week, the United States government, working closely with local authorities, heroically raided and arrested raw-food terror kingpin James Stewart in Venice, California. Stewart, who runs the private healthfood cartel, Rawesome Foods, “posed a major threat to the establishment,” claimed an unnamed but armed, undercover double-agent involved in the arrest.
After two SWAT-style stings in one year, Stewart now faces several felony charges including: conspiracy to sell milk to minors; conspiracy to operate a private club without paying protection money to the authorities; conspiracy to educate the masses; and conspiracy to make people healthy and independent.
The authorities warn that the news of Stewart’s arrest and pending environmental tribunal may awaken his cult of followers, called foodies. These extremists typically come from the political left, once believing that boisterous regulations were actually for the public’s safety. They are generally a peace-loving group, but with their bright smiles, chiseled bodies and fully-functional minds, they may prove to be a formidable threat in the war of ideas against the establishment. These foodies, hopped up on natural vitamins, minerals and antioxidants, no longer believe the FDA or the government is there to protect them. For our safety, such nonconformity must not be tolerated.
The establishment must do everything it can to make an example of Stewart and his accomplices before the contagion of natural health awareness spreads to critical mass. Food choice is a privilege that must be fully enforced with more firearms and badges in order to maintain the corporate-government monopoly over food. Anyone who demands food freedom should be considered a threat — not just to themselves, but to society as a whole. And like animals backed into a corner, foodies who lose their rights should be considered dangerous extremists and monitored like al-Qaeda.
“Without the corporate-state food monopoly, we would all starve,” warned Michael Taylor, former Monsanto executive and current head of the FDA food safety division. He added, “Therefore, these foodies are a direct threat to national and international security, and their freedom must be smoked out. You’re either with us or against us.”
Furthermore, so-called natural health experts challenging the State’s health recommendations should be taken to re-education camps, or have their assets seized for intent to commit crimes against humanity. Likewise, normal citizens growing food for neighborly trade should face felony charges of “intent to sell.” The loss of food freedom is a small price to pay for the safety and rule by the genetically modified majority.
Here are eight reasons why raw foods should be illegal, and foodies should peacefully give up their rights:
1. Big Brother knows best: Citizens aren’t smart enough to make proper health choices. That’s why they gave their rights and authority over to the State in the first place. The FDA protects them from their neighbor’s eggs that come from chickens that eat bugs and worms, not the genetically-approved feed. Gross!
2. Amish farmers have pitchforks: Given the sordid history of peasants fighting their masters with pitchforks, Amish farmers should be considered armed and dangerous if a food revolution takes root.
3. Health Effects: Raw milk, like many other raw foods, is a “superfood,” loaded with vital antioxidants. Healthy food makes strong independent humans who are difficult to control.
4. Economic Threat: The sick-care industry is about 20% of the U.S. economy. Big Ag and Big Pharma are utterly dependent on keeping the public away from healthy foods. Supporting underground organic food cartels is a risk to economic recovery.
5. BGH and GMO: Bovine Growth Hormone and GMO-fed milk creates more patients for Big Pharma than grass-fed raw milk. Dairy farmers that use BGH and subsidized GM feed maximize profits the American way. Natural dairy farmers hate technology and advancement.
6. Contagion: If more people are allowed to discover the benefits of raw milk, they may get addicted to other natural health foods and remedies not offered by central controllers. As such, raw milk should be treated as a gateway food.
7. Black Markets: Some food cooperatives operate as private clubs, or through barter systems. In other words, they operate outside of the reach of the corporate government. This is a shadowy world where illegal currencies are traded and tax revenues are difficult to extort for the public good.
8. Regulators: The staff of the FDA and CDC are people too. They need to pay mortgages and put processed food on the table. They wouldn’t have such a generous budget without taking away the rights of small farmers and foodies. Naturally, this angers foodies and may cause them to revolt.