Tag Archives: funny

Race-Based Hate

FBI: Hate Crimes Target Blacks In 70 Percent Of Race-Based Cases
Hate Crimes

Blacks were the group most likely to be the targets of race-based hate crimes, according to a new federal report.

The report, compiled by the FBI’s civil rights division, found that the large majority of racial bias crimes were “motivated by anti-black bias.” Latinos were the targets of 66 percent of all hate crimes motivated by ethnicity or national origin. Jews were the targets of most crimes against religious groups, and most crimes against a particular sexual orientation or gender were motivated by “anti-homosexual male bias.”

The number of hate crimes remained essentially flat between 2009 and 2010. There were 6,628 hate crimes reported in 2010, up very slightly from 6,604 in 2009. About 47 percent of all the reported hate crimes were racially motivated, with 20 percent motivated by religion, 19.3 percent motivated by sexual orientation, and 12.8 percent motivated by nationality.

“Almost a fourth of our 2010 civil rights caseload involved crimes motivated by a particular bias against the victim,
” said Eric Thomas, the bureau’s civil rights chief in Washington. “We frequently worked these cases with state and local law enforcement to ensure that justice was done–whether at the state level or at the federal level.”

The FBI said that because of the James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crime Prevention Act, the bureau is making some changes to collect more information for bias crimes against a particular gender or gender identity and for crimes in which juveniles are targets. The law, which was signed by President Obama in 2009 and was meant to bolster and expand existing hate crimes laws. It is named after two of the most high profile victims of hate crimes in recent memory. Shepard was a college student who died in 1998 after being tortured and tied to a fence for being gay. That same year, Byrd, a black man in rural Texas was killed after being dragged behind a pickup truck for miles by a group of white supremacists. At the time of their killings, there were no hate crime laws in many states.


Video ,Deryl Dedmon Leaves The Courtroom In Jackson , Miss. , Pool) , Sept. 30 , After Entering a “Not Guilty” Plea Before Hinds County Circuit Judge Jeff Weill , Friday , On a Capital Murder Indictment. Dedmon Is Charged With Running Down James Craig Anderson On June 26 With a Pickup In What Authorities Say Was a Hate Crime.


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6 Things You Won’t Believe Animals Do Just Like Us

6 Things You Won’t Believe Animals Do Just Like Us

By: Kristi Harrison, Fady Labib, Eddie Rodriguez

Courtesy of Cracked.Com

Being a human is a pretty sweet gig, all things considered. We’ve got opposable thumbs so dexterous they could start their own Cirque du Soleil troupe and brains so ripped our skulls can barely contain them. But before you grab your dog and give him a triumphant “IN YOUR (FAITHFUL, ADORABLE) FACE!” you should know that some of the traits and behaviors that make us human are also demonstrated by other animals. Animals that apparently think they’re people.

#6. Parrots Name Their Babies

What to name a baby is one of the first things that expecting parents obsess about. But whether they end up naming their kid something generic like “Ashley” or “John,” or if they happen to despise the fruit of their loins and name him “Audio Science,” most moms and dads will agree that names are part of what makes their babies unique and help to forge their individual identity.


All babies look alike, even Theobold Pimpmeister here.

And more than that, individual names also make humans special. After all, outside of sappy Disney movies involving comically deformed elephants, what other animal parent takes the time to give each of its newborn members its own permanent moniker?



“Never mind, Christine. You can still sell him off to the ivory merchants.”

Except the talking animals depicted in Disney movies aren’t so far off the mark, at least when it comes to a few select species.

Wait, what?

Dolphins, crows, primates and parrots have all been observed using unique calls when they want the attention of specific members of their groups. This means that, at least among these species, individual animals actually have the equivalent of their own names. Most perplexing of all seems to be parrots, because according to pirate-movie logic, it should scientifically turn out that every single parrot ever has the same name.


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“GWAAK! Polly wants some individuality! GWAAK!”

But now that scientists know that parrots have signature calls, a few questions come up, like: Who gets to decide the signature call that’s given to each parrot chick? Is it the parrots themselves who decide what they should be called, thus making it an innate characteristic? Is some sort of alpha parrot handing out identifying sounds? In order to answer all these questions, researchers at Cornell University filmed parrots in the wild of Venezuela, along with their newborn chicks, to see exactly when and how a parrot got its name.


He shall be known as TupAWWWK!”

What the scientists found was that it was not the parrot newborns who got to choose their signature calls. Instead, it was the proud parrot parents who gave each chick its name. Much like a human, the adult parrot will choose a name for its young soon after it’s born. Each parrot, though, may tweak its own signature call as it grows older, elongating a whistle here or shortening a chirp there, essentially giving itself a nickname.

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“Hi! I’m (Saxophone solo from Careless Whisper).”
#5. Whales Have Pop Songs

Obviously, humans aren’t the only animals that sing. Birds do it, killer whales do it, and if you happen to work in construction and are really lucky, you might just see a frog do it.

What makes humans unique is pop culture. One guy can make a song, put it on an album or the Internet and have thousands of people singing along to it, all over the world. There’s no way another animal does that, right?

Well, we know of at least one.

Wait, what?

Whale songs become “hits” that can spread halfway around the globe. All the males in a humpback whale population usually sing just one song at any given time. But once they get bored of that song, an innovator in the group will start singing a new one. Sometimes, this new song contains elements of the previous song combined with some new stuff, kind of like when the Fat Boys and Chubby Checker worked together on “The Twist.” At other times, this song is completely new, kind of like when you’re in a freestyle rap battle and you have to come up with something that rhymes with “dingleberry” on the spot.

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“Oh God oh God there’s nothing that rhymes with ‘OoooOOoooWEEEEEeeeeeooooOOOOoo’.”

Once a new song catches on, every hip male in the community will start singing it, too. But that’s just a bunch of whales in a group imitating each other. That’s not like the mass media pop culture humans have, right?

Except scientists have found out that a song doesn’t stay limited to just one population. A catchy enough tune will actually spread all over the Pacific, from Australia to French Polynesia, thousands of miles, over a couple of years. For some reason, all the whales east of Australia are unoriginal bastards who will just plagiarize their western neighbors once they hear them sing a new song.

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They just stick it over a dance beat and call it a remix.

#4. Chimps Play With Dolls

Playing with dolls was a part of female childhood long before a plastic lady named Barbie triumphantly scored herself a gay boyfriend. Girls will lead entire fantasy lives with their dolls, giving them names, taking care of them when they’re pretend-sick, giving them pretend-weddings and even pretend-scolding them when they pretend-make poor life decisions.

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“Raggedy Ann won big on the craps table but then got greedy, didn’t she?”

Having such an active imagination is surely not just one of the most childlike traits you can probably think of, but also one of the most human. After all, it’s not like other animal species are out there having little slumber parties with their dolls while we’re not looking, right?

Except, yeah, there’s one species that’s totally doing exactly that. Surprisingly, when it comes to playtime, human kids and chimpanzees are actually more alike than you think.

Wait, what?

Researchers from Bates College and Harvard University found that young female chimps would take sticks, bark, small logs and vines, and not only cradle them as if they were baby chimps themselves, but also use their imagination for the whole doll-owning experience.

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The stick was later taken by the CPS.

When playing with their doll-sticks, the young females would cuddle with them, put them to bed and rest with them in their nests like a little girl sleeping with her plush toy for security. A few times, the little dolls even got the equivalent of their own Barbie dream houses, as the chimp girls would build separate nests just for them to pretend-live in. And during the day, the chimp girls would also walk around with their sticks tucked between their stomachs and their thighs, mimicking the way that mother chimpanzees carry their babies.

WWF, National Geographic

All this behavior, which was witnessed over a hundred times during 14 years, was not just limited to girl chimps. One young male chimp was seen using a stick to play “airplane,” resting on his back and holding the stick up with his hands and feet, the way that many parents play with their young children. In another instance, a male chimp was seen with his own stick dolly after he saw his mom was pregnant, pretending to care for it. There were no reports on whether his chimp father went out and worriedly fashioned him some chimpanzee G.I. Joes to get him interested in “man stuff.”


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If I don’t hear explosions from that tree stump in the next 30 seconds, you are grounded, mister.”

#3. Birds Are Grammar Nazis

Spend longer than a half second on the Internet and you’ll encounter someone so hung up on correct grammar usage that you suspect he’s got sentence diagrams where his ribs should be. And if you haven’t, watch this: “Hoke? Your my best friend.” Let’s see how many people in the comments below flip their lids.

It helps if you say it in the wispy voice of a dying Southern gentlewoman. GRAMMAR NAZIS HATE THAT.

And for those of you who’d rather gouge out your own eyes than use or read bad grammar, hey, we get it. After all, what’s the point of language if we ignore the rules? And wasn’t it the invention of language that propelled humanity into civilization the first place?

Well, hold your butts, kids, because some animals are just as concerned about good grammar as we are.

Wait, what?

Bengal finches not only have rules of syntax when it comes to songs, but they also get mighty pissy when other finches break them.


“Welcome to Finchtopia, now LEARN FINCHISH.”

Researchers at Kyoto University recorded the tweets, chirps and chi-chi-chu-wee-reeeees of a group of finches, then played the songs back to a different group. After a while, the scientists pulled a fast one by taking the same songs and jumbling them up — forming new “sentences,” if you will. In most cases, the finches didn’t seem to care. But one version of the jumbled song made the finches go bananas.

They started screeching angrily — the kind of call usually reserved for intruding enemy finches. The scientists tried playing the same sound sample again with another group, and they got pissed, too — virtually every finch that heard it, in fact. The scientists had accidentally created the finch song version of a your/you’re mistake.

In case you’re thinking that maybe they had just accidentally created a finch song that naturally sounds violent or threatening, they played it for a group of finches that had been raised in isolation — they never lived with finches in the wild. They were fine with it. They didn’t screech.


It was a vicious setback for members of the nascent finch home-schooling movement.

But then when those same finches spent two weeks with the first group, the ones that went apeshit at the sound of the song, soon they started getting pissed off at it, too. Being around the other finches taught them the rules of their “grammar,” and taught them to get enraged at those who misuse it.

#2. Chimps Rely on Third-Party Mediators to Resolve Disputes

If you’re anything like us, sitting between two grownass adults who were so angry that they required two lawyers and a neutral third-party arbitrator to communicate with each other was the stuff childhood (and puppet therapy) was made of.

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“I think the one thing we can all agree on is that it’s her fault.”

Or maybe you followed the recent NFL lockout, and heard about how both sides had to meet with a mediator to try to hammer out a deal so that the proceedings wouldn’t break down into a fit of screaming and chair-throwing. It’s a pretty brilliant system: Two people who would rather chug a gallon of peanut oil than have a conversation just call in a professional to do the talking for them. You might even say it’s one of the pinnacles of human civilization.

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“People, please. You have to start talking so I can justify my $200.”

Except, oh wait. Chimps have totally got the market on third-party mediators covered.

Wait, what?

Chimpanzees have figured out that when the feces hits the fan, man chimps need to stay the hell away from each other. That’s when a very specific mediator walks into the picture: an older female who doesn’t have sex on the brain.

Imagine two male chimpanzees are duking it out over who ate the last head lice or who pooted on Nuk-Nuk’s favorite tree or whatever. (Like we know what they fight about.) Anyway, after the brawl, each male will sit and wait, presumably with his arms crossed and toes tapping, for the other to come over to reconcile. If no one makes the first move, a female chimp will make it for them.

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“Oh, for crying out loud. Tell me when they’ve stopped flinging poop at each other.”

Here’s how: The female will approach one of the males and start grooming him. You know, picking out dirt and bugs and gray hairs and whatnot in order to help him calm down. Then she’ll walk over to the other male, making sure Fighter Male #1 follows. With Muhammad Ali on one side and Joe Frazier on the other, the female lets them groom her, together, because grooming is calming as shit.

Then, she walks away, her job done. She intervened, and resolved their monkey conflict. The two males are left sitting together as friends, with neither losing face. We’re 95 percent sure this is exactly how the Cold War ended.

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This was their Bay of Pigs.

#1. Monkeys Understand Money and Prostitution

As soon as we’re old enough to toddle toward the Hubba Bubba on the lowest shelf at the checkout aisle, we get the concept of money. Money is what gets you food, toys and those lame ass OshKosh B’Gosh overalls your mom makes you wear. Money is what puts some people on a throne and others in a sewage ditch. Surely, this one part of human civilization is ours and ours alone.

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“I’ll wait two, maybe three days before chowing down on your leg.”

Nope. Monkeys have also been proven able to comprehend, use and exploit money.

Wait, what?

First of all, it turns out that it’s not all that hard to teach monkeys to use a currency. In one experiment, it was just a matter of giving capuchin monkeys a bunch of silver discs, then demonstrating that they would get a treat when they turned one disc in to the researchers. After just a few months, they picked up the idea that the discs had inherent value (chimpanzees figured it out even faster in another experiment, and were even taught to recognize different denominations of “currency”).

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Twenty minutes later, cut up credit cards littered the enclosure.

And to be clear, exchanging the silver discs for treats wasn’t just some mindless “perform an action to get a prize” trick — the capuchin monkeys were found to respond logically to price fluctuations, buying less if the price rose and vice versa.

And then, chaos ensued. One monkey, called Felix, quickly ran to the chamber where the “coins” were kept, threw all them into the communal cage and then scurried back. What the scientists had witnessed was a bank heist. When the researchers went in to try and get the coins back, the monkeys put up a fight, only caving in once the scientists gave them treats.


“Remember, kids, crime does pay.”

While this was going on, one scientist witnessed a male monkey hand a coin to a female monkey. Was this some act of kindness? Maybe a monkey romance was blooming in the midst of the chaos?

Nope, it was prostitution. The female had sex with the male, and then went off to buy some grapes. Capitalism, kids!

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It’s just a slippery slope from this, to wine, to cocaine-addled monkeys.

Read more: 6 Things You Won’t Believe Animals Do Just Like Us | Cracked.com SOURCE

21 Dumbest Criminals of the 21st Century (So Far)

21 Dumbest Criminals of the 21st Century (So Far)
Posted by Katie

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Poor Man’s Hummer
Jonesville, Virginia: William Anderson, 51, was arrested after attracting attention by applying for welfare at the department of social services while driving an H2 Hummer. Thinking it an odd sight, the local sheriff ran the plates, and the vehicle came up as stolen.

Frank Singleton
Repeat Offender
West Palm Beach, Florida: Things were looking up for Frank Singleton, 21, as he was released from jail. However, when he realized that he didn’t have a ride home, he walked straight into the prison parking lot and attempted to carjack a woman. He was foiled when he realized that he couldn’t drive a car with a stick shift. As he was re-arrested — this time, for felony carjacking — Singleton told police that he simply “didn’t feel like walking.”

Now Hiring

Athens, Georgia: Demetrius Robinson, 28, wanted to rob a Golden Pantry store late one night, but he needed to pass the time as naturally as possible until he and the clerk were alone, so he decided to fill out a job application. Not a bad idea, except he left his real name on the application, along with his uncle’s phone number. After he robbed the store, it didn’t take long for police to track him down. He didn’t get the job.

Christopher Kron
Worst. Burglar. Ever.

Fort Myers Beach, Florida: Amateur criminal and professional dimwit Christopher Kron created his own personal “how not to commit burglary” instructional video when he tried to rob a restaurant after closing one night. Mistake #1: He tripped the alarm when he broke in. Mistake #2: He failed to flee after hearing the (not silent) alarm. Mistake #3: When ADT called the restaurant after being notified of the alarm, Kron answered the phone. Mistake #4: He gave the ADT employee his real name. Mistake #5: When he finally got the bright idea to leave, all he took was a bottle of Grand Marnier and a beer. Mistake #6: Having gotten away with the crime, he returned to the restaurant the next day and was recognized by an employee who had seen the surveillance video. Kron was arrested on the spot.

Dumb in an Elevator
Oslo, Norway: Two men in their early 20s (age and IQ) decided to vandalize an elevator in a train station by violently kicking the closed doors…while they were still inside. The doors jammed, and the elevator stopped, sounding an alarm that alerted security guards. The guards tried to lower the elevator, but the doors jammed even more, so they called the police and the fire department. The two vandals were eventually freed — and promptly arrested. Their actions were recorded on the elevator’s security camera.

Keep Your Eye on the Road
Osternarke, Sweden:
A 56-year-old woman’s boldly dumb defense in her trial for drunken driving was that the alcohol did not affect her driving because she kept one eye closed to avoid seeing double. She was sentenced to two months in prison.

Randy LewisWorld’s Greatest Dad
Bristol, Tennessee:
In his stunted way of thinking, Randy Lewis, 43, was at least trying to be responsible by not driving drunk during a beer run. Instead, he had his 10-year-old son drive. The boy proceeded to crash the car at an estimated 90 miles per hour. The elder Lewis had not only a blood-alcohol content of over three times the state limit, but he also had cocaine in his system — not to mention two other children in the vehicle. Lewis was charged with drunk driving, reckless endangerment and child abuse and was booked wearing a t-shirt reading “Buy this dad a beer.”

Note to Self
Marysville, California:
Arthur Cheney, 64, was arrested after police spotted him driving a car that resembled one used in a local bank robbery. Something told them that they had their man when they noticed a yellow Post-It note on the car’s center console with a handwritten message reading, “Robbery – 100s and 50s only.”

Krystian Bala
A Novel Approach
Wroclaw, Poland:
Polish author Krystian Bala, 34, might’ve gotten away with murder…if he hadn’t written about it in his book. His 2003 novel Amok became a beststeller in Poland, but he paid the price when police noticed that the details of a murder in the book eerily matched those of an unsolved 2000 case. The similarities led the police to investigate further, discovering connections between Bala and the victim, including the fact that the victim was romantically involved with Bala’s ex-wife. Although it wasn’t proven that the author was the sole perpetrator, he was sentenced to 25 years in jail for his part in the crime.

Pee Bandits
Crescent City, California:
Krystal Evans, 26, and Denise McClure, 24, were arrested for destruction of evidence when they sifted through a DHL delivery van looking for Evans’ probation-mandatory urine sample that was on its way to a forensic lab. The pair knew that Evans’ sample would test positive, meaning she’d be sent back to jail, so they attempted to grab the urine before it reached its destination. The driver, however, caught them and called the cops. Ironically, Evans’ sample tested negative, but the sample she had to give after being arrested for the pee caper came up positive for meth.

Charles Ray Fuller
Billion Dollar Dummy
Dallas, Texas:
Rule #1 of trying to cash a bogus check: make it out for a reasonable amount. Charles Ray Fuller, 21, broke that rule and all conventions of common sense when he tried to cash a check for 360 BILLION DOLLARS. To top it off, the check wasn’t even made out to him. He was arrested on forgery charges.

Tattoo Clue
Billings, Montana
: A wanted man with an unusual surname was arrested after police noticed the name tattooed on the side of his head. Officers working on a separate case happened to walk past Sterling F. Wolfname, 26, when they saw the word “Wolfname” tattooed on his head. The name matched that of a suspect in a fatal beating in Wyoming. Wolfname lied about his identity, but his tattoo gave police a “heads up.”

Andrew Libby”Porn Inspector”? Nice try.
Longmont, Colorado: Andrew Libby, 33, was arrested for impersonating a cop and demanding copies of pornographic movies from an adult video store. Claiming to be an “age verification detective,” Libby told the store’s employees that his job was to make sure the movies’ stars were at least 18 years old. The workers didn’t buy his story (his Fabio hair probably didn’t help).

Bills, Bills, Bills
Brooklyn, New York:
As Victor Marin, 20, was stealing $218 in cash from an apartment he had broken into, for some reason he decided to take out his own wallet and lay it on a bed. When he left, he forgot something — wait for it — his wallet! When Marin returned minutes later, the apartment’s resident was back. Standing outside, Marin offered to return the money in exchange for his wallet, which contained his ID and credit cards. The victim told him to stuff the money under the front door, but since the wad included 93 dollar bills, it was too tall to fit, and Marin had difficulty shoving the bills inside. That gave police time to show up and arrest him.

John Pearce
Hangman
Dartford, England:
John Pearce, 32, came to realize the hazards of daylight burglary when in the course of climbing through a window, his foot got caught in the window, leaving him dangling upside-down in plain sight of pedestrians walking down the busy sidewalk. Onlookers proceeded to mock him mercilessly until police arrived.

Dial-a-Dealer
Gulfport, Florida
: Shaquille McKinney, 14, decided to try his hand at telemarketing. Trouble is, he was selling drugs, and the potential buyer turned out to be a policeman. When McKinney cold-called Detective Matt Parks, the cop told him he had the wrong number. Before hanging up, the teen asked Parks if he wanted to buy drugs. The policeman agreed to meet in a nearby parking lot, where McKinney was arrested.

Henry Earl
1,000 Strikes?
Lexington, Kentucky:
If there’s a lifetime achievement award for petty crime, Henry Earl would win hands-down. Since 1970, he’s been arrested a whopping 1,333 times (and counting), although he serves an average of less then four days per offense. Dumb or dedicated? You be the judge.

Ice Cream Men
La Plata, Maryland:
Wesley Jumper, 36, and Shawn Stewart, 36, are apparently very dirty and very stupid. How else could you explain their decision to 1) steal $500 worth of soap and shampoo from a CVS drug store, and 2) use a Good Humor ice cream truck as their getaway vehicle. The truck, which Stewart used for day job, was easy enough for the police to spot, and the men were promptly arrested. No word on what happened to the confiscated Nutty Buddies.

Drunk Driving Test
Bendorf, Germany
: A 27-year-old man arrived for his road driving test smelling of alcohol. Although he insisted to the instructor that he hadn’t had anything to drink, he proceeded to drive erratically, at which point the instructor directed him to pull into a parking lot…at a police station. The man was booked for driving with a blood-alcohol content of three times the legal limit. And he failed the test.

Eloise Reaves
This Crack’s Wack
Hawthorne, Florida:
Eloise Reaves, 50, stretched the limits of “to serve and protect” when she approached a policeman and asked him to help her get her money back for the poor-quality crack cocaine she’d just purchased. She showed him the crack, which she had tucked away in her mouth, and he placed her under arrest. The accused salesman was not charged.

Dear Dummy…
Boyds, Maryland:
While awaiting trial for murder and armed robbery, inmate Quinton Thomas sent a friendly letter to a chum suggesting that he kill any witnesses who were planning to testify against him. He figured he could be so bold because he knew that the prison staff didn’t screen outgoing mail. However, he must’ve sent the letter to the wrong address or affixed the wrong postage, because it was sent back “Return to Sender,” making it INCOMING mail, which IS screened by the staff. He was convicted on three new counts — one of solicitation to commit murder and two of witness intimidation — in addition to the original charges.

SOURCE

The 10 most….


The 10 Worst Infomercials

The 10 Most Racist Moments on TV

Top 10 Most Famous Movie Quotes: These are the ten most recognizable film quotes according to a 1998 survey of a group of “10 film critics and experts” who were asked by Guinness to draw up a list of the “ten most famous movie quotes ever.” According to the publication’s editors, “We were looking for quotations that were accessible and that had popular appeal on a global scale. We were also looking for wit and delivery. Delivery is important.” The films chosen ranged from 1930 to 1994, and six of the 10 were from the 1930s and ’40s.

1. “…Bond. James Bond.”
(Sean Connery, Dr. No (1962))

2. “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”
(Humphrey Bogart, Casablanca (1942))

3. “Well, it’s not the men in your life that counts, it’s the life in your men.”
(Mae West, I’m No Angel (1933))

4. “I’ll be back.”
(Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Terminator (1984))

5. “Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?”
(Jean Harlow, Hell’s Angels (1930))

“Won’t you excuse me for a moment while I … slip into something a little bit more … comfortable?”
(Madeline Kahn, Blazing Saddles (1974)) (parody)

6. “My Mama always said, ‘Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get.'”
(Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump (1994))

7. “I could dance with you till the cows come home…On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows when you came home.”
(Groucho Marx, Duck Soup (1933))

8. “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn!”
(Clark Gable, Gone With the Wind (1939))

9. “You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Well, who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well, I’m the only one here. Who the f–k do you think you’re talkin’ to?”
(Robert De Niro, Taxi Driver (1976))

10. “Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don’t be stingy, baby.”
(Greta Garbo, Anna Christie (1930))


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